I like coding. I've been doing it since I was 9, and I've, sporadically, picked programming languages and frameworks and whathaveyous up and built things with them even though I've never taken a formal education in it. I like doing it, I feel like I have a knack for it. But I also like other things. My passion is writing, linguistics, the likes. I lean more on the humanities than hard science in school.
I like coding, but I've always keep it at an arm's length. Coding is like a lover who only come into town once in a blue moon or so. We'll hang out for a day or two and then it'll leave and I get on with my life. Until today I never really put thoughts on why I never invited it to stay, There's this vague idea that half my brain hates it vehemently, but screw that, I said, you're just being unreasonable.
Unrelated to this ( I think), I've had a constant migraine for as long as I can remember. The attacks come at random, usually consisting of painful headaches, pounding in my head, the inability to sort out my thoughts. Sometimes it gets to the point that I'd be willing to stab my head with a knife just to make the pain go away. It's got to the point that my mind just automatically forget the pain happened, so when I don't have an attack I have to rely on what I've written to know what it was like.
I've pretty much chalked it off as happening by God's will; no rhyme or reason to it. Recently, though, I've started putting a list of possible things that might trigger the attacks. Sudden change of light, cold winds, a room's that too quiet too long, but none of them are very conclusive.
Coding comes into town again, and then it hits me. It's a trigger, and damn if it ain't the most obvious, conclusive trigger of my migraine I've ever put on my list. Whenever I sit down and look at codes or learning it, my head hurts like hell and I can't think straight. And yet when I code, it's like, whatever part of my brain is coding, it doesn't give a damn about the headaches, it doesn't give a damn that every other part is screaming. I won't stop until I'm done done, or until the screaming has gotten loud enough they forced me to stop, and even then I'd still want to keep going.
But I was hurting myself. And when I finally let go, the migraine and the pain would still be there and I'd be unable to do anything else for hours, days, even. I'd swear off coding, again, until such time that I forget about the pain and walk right back into this deathtrap, again.
... Is this what being in an abusive relationship feel like? I like coding, but it cripples me. I have other passions I want to pursue but it feels like coding is destroying my ability to do them. I don't know what to do with it. I want to stop hurting myself, but I don't want to stop doing this thing. It's one of the things I'm good at, and I like it, and I know I can be really good at it.
But I want to stop hurting myself.
(I haven't seen a doctor about my migraines, but after this, I will.)
