I've been speaking English since I was a wee child so I'm used to it but like, sometimes I sit, and think, and wonder, "What the hell you really can just call your professor or your parents with 'you'? You call your older siblings by their name? Ridiculous."
In some other languages, including Indonesian (my other native tongue!), Chinese, Japanese, and probably the majority of Asian languages, it's more common to address other people with their title/honorifics instead of/along with their name. The equivalent in English is like calling someone with "Mr." or "Miss" or "Doctor", but they're really not used all that often. You call your upperclassman with just their name? Lmao.
So like, this is a quick guide / personal musing.
Oh, and a disclaimer. I live in Jakarta and I'm used to how Indonesian is used in Jakarta. I also received pretty big influence from Sundanese, used in Western Java, so I'm biased that way. Indonesia is huge and has plenty of regional variety. Other locales often have their own titles and honorifics, based on the local language.
I'm also not at all an expert in Japanese and Chinese (a bit better at Japanese than Chinese, though). Just consider them little extras that might not capture the IRL nuance. I figure they'll be helpful in understanding this when, say, you already know Japanese but want to see what Indonesian is up to.
Addressing an (obviously) older person
An older man is usually addressed with Pak, while an older woman is addressed with Bu. This is a formal, respectable way to call someone. It's the preferred term of address in e.g. official letters, but also used casually for someone who is obviously older/respectable. Like, a letter addressed to a chairwoman called Rina would call her Bu Rina. If you're walking in a crowded place and an older man is in your way, you'll say Permisi, Pak.
You can add it as a prefix to names, or by themselves. They replace the second-person pronoun (the equivalent of you). People who you'd call Pak or Bu are usually people you will never use second-person (or third-person) pronoun at.
In English Pak can usually be translated as Mr, while Bu is either Ms., Miss, or Mrs. There's no indication of whether the woman is married, though it's often assumed she is. The English Mr. is also sometimes (often erroneously) translated as Tuan, which is a very old fashioned word for it. Tuan is like, colonial-age, used for feudal masters sort of title. Using it in a modern setting is weird.
Pak and Bu came from the words Bapak and Ibu, formal-sounding words meaning "Father" and "Mother" respectively. Some people address their parents with these titles. Others use different titles (I call mine with Ayah and Mama, for instance). Sometimes you can use the full Bapak/Ibu when addressing people unrelated to you, but more often than that you'd use the shorter Pak/Bu instead.
In Japanese, you'd probably address someone you're not familiar with with the generic [name]-san regardless of gender or of age. In Chinese, you'd probably address someone you're not familiar with using their full name, or using the respectful title xiānsheng for men or nǚshì for women.
Addressing someone young (but probably still older/in a higher position than you)
Pak or Bu tend to make the addressee feel old, so while perfectly safe to use for someone in position of high authority, it might be a bit off for someone who's obviously still young and unmarried. This is where the regional variety is going to vary wildly. This is also the part that often gives me anxiety! "Should I even use a honorific here?? Would they prefer to be called with just their name? What if they think it's rude??? What if they think I'm too formal??? What if I use the wrong honorific? AaAAAAAAA"
The general words I'm familiar with is Mas for men, and Mbak for women. Except, Mbak might sound a wee bit derogatory, since it's also the most often used form of address for housekeepers. An alternative, slightly lower-class version of Mas is Bang, used for e.g. delivery men or street vendors. Mbak also works well for these.
A honorific that's only recently catching on for general-use is Kak. It's moderately respectful. It's gender-neutral. It's unassuming. A seller addressing their customer will often use Kak. When you meet someone around your age online, one of you will probably use Kak, and the other can then drop honorifics. Using it is like automatically putting the other person on a higher platform. It's kind of awkward if both parties use it 💦.
General use aside, Kak is required when addressing an upperclassman. If you're, say, a first-year high school student, it will be super rude to straight up call a third-year their name without using Kak. In a workplace (non-educational) setting, you can often drop the Kak. Or maybe you shouldn't. Context!
Ultimately, Mas, Bang, Mbak, and Kak all stems from the words we use to address an older sibling. Kak is the general, most-common word for calling your older sibling, regardless of gender. Bang is short or Abang, which is often used for an older brother. Mas and Mbak are more regional varieties for older brother/sister. Note that when they're used to address family members, these words lose any sense of derogatory-ness you might get when addressing someone you're not familiar with. They're just fully respectful honorifics.
Like with Pak/Bu, these terms of address replaces second-person pronoun.
Complicated? lmao. lol lmao. I did say this gives me ✨anxiety✨.
In Japanese, -san can be used respectfully without making the other person feel old. You'd call your older brother nii-san and your older sister nee-san. Your senior/upperclassman you'd call with -senpai. There's also the "rougher"/"more respectful" term for older brother/senior, aniki, which is probably better translated in Indonesian as abang than kak, depending on context. In Chinese, Mas is probably a bit like xiǎogē, and Mbak is xiǎojiě, though I'm not sure how differently the meanings map. For direct family, your older brother is gēgē while your older sister is jiějiě.
Other familial titles (uncles, aunts, grandparents) are even more regional. Like, I call my grandparents from my mother's side differently from how I call my grandparents from my father's side, because one is Sundanese while the other is Javanese. My cousins call their grandparents differently too, because many of my aunts and uncles also marries different "ethnics groups". It's ultimately up to each family how to address each other. Indonesia contains multitudes.
Addressing someone younger?
Just use their name. If you don't know their names, ask. You usually won't assume a total stranger is younger than you, so you can use the honorifics I've explained above. If you're too shy to ask their name, then, lol, lmao. When I was in high school it was sometimes easier talking to an upperclassman because everyone is Kak, while underclassmen are names I have to remember 💦.
You can call a child with Nak, which is short for Anak. When used by an elderly person, this can be endearing. You can also call children with Dik, short for Adik (meaning younger sibling), which sounds better if you're not too old yet. These are preferably only used for very young child, though. Sometimes you'd already call a 12-year-old Kak, mainly to increase their self-esteem. Your actual younger sibling you'd usually call with their name.
It's usually safe to use second-person pronoun for someone your age/level or younger than you. For children though, you'd probably use their name instead of a pronoun. Instead of saying Bukumu for "your book", say bukunya [name].
In Japanese, you can address someone younger than you (not necessarily a child) with "cutesy" honorifics like [name]-kun (a bit masculine) and [name]-chan (a bit feminine, cute). Nee-chan is a pretty cute way to call your older sister. In Chinese, there's the affix _xi_āo-[name], which is suitable for calling someone younger or around the same age.
Second-person Pronouns
Oh yeah baby, the anxiety of expressing social status through your words don't just end with honorifics babyyy 😇.
Say the two of you are the same age or close enough that kak feels weird, or you're familiar enough with each other that you can use second-person pronoun without worrying that it'll be rude (or, more commonly, it will be too awkward if you keep using honorifics). You can now use second-person pronoun!
There are a few equivalent of "you" you can pick. The general in use across Indonesia is kamu, which is just a weeeee bit derogatory (remember, to someone you respect, you won't use second-person pronoun at all). It sounds less derogatory when used as a suffix, -mu, which is the version preferred for showing ownership or as a posessive pronoun (your and yours).
The other word that we understand generically as you is kau. Where I've been, Jakarta and major cities in Java, this is hardly ever in colloquial use. Using it sounds a bit ruder in an awkward kind of way. I've heard that it's more in use in cities elsewhere though. It also shows up in fiction; whether a fictional character use kamu or kau is often a toss-up.
There are also enkau and dikau which sounds severely old-fashioned. You can see this in literature, but they're not much used in present-day real life, as far as I know.
The awkwardness of choosing pronouns, and the inherent rudeness of using them, means that on most occasions you'll probably try to avoid using it at all. The sentences and phrases used in colloquial Indonesian tend to be structured in such a way that they don't need a pronoun, either because it's a passive structure or other tricks. A common thing a store employee might say: "Is there anything I can help you with?" is "Ada yang bisa dibantu?" lit. "something exists that can be helped?" When talking to a friend: "Can you help me with something?" -> "Bisa tolong bantuin gak?" lit. "can please help, no?". Note how we drop the "you" pronoun.
Kamu usually gets replaced across different locales, even when speaking in Indonesian. In very casual speech in Jakarta (among friends only), the preferred pronoun is lo / lu. A Jakarta high-schooler who uses kamu to their friend is probably like a weird awkward nerd... but it's also the pronoun often associated between lovers in Jakarta. Context!
There's also Anda (the capital A is necessary) which is a suuuper formal "you" used in, say, when a banker address their customers (addressing higher-ups will obviously use Pak/Bu). Using it in everyday speech to a friend is horror-movie level of terrifying. Like, the sky is falling, the sun is rising from the west type of weird.
Japanese also have the same problem with how second-person pronoun is considered rude; most their sentences work without using pronouns, to a much greater degree than in Indonesian. When you really do have to use it, they also have different levels of second-person pronouns: anata sounds respectful, kimi is ruder but endearing, omae is even ruder and masculine, to name a few. Chinese don't have the same difficulty: the second-person pronoun is just nǐ.
Other Pronouns
First-person pronouns (the English I) have the exact same difficulties as second-person, though it's less rude to use it. Sentences are often structured so you don't have to use it, but you shouldn't replace it with a name like you would with second-person pronouns. Like in English, replacing I with your name make you sound like a child.
You have a few first-person pronouns to choose from depending on your level of formality, and they can vary between regions. I'd rather not prolong this post with more explanation, let me just summarize thus: depending on who I'm talking to, my own first-person pronoun can vary between saya, aku, ku, gw (spelled gue), and aing.
On the plus side, we only have two third-person pronoun in use! Dia can be both he, she, or singular they. Zero need to worry about gender! But you'd probably have to think whether to use a pronoun or just use a honorific + name, since dia on someone you'd normally use Pak/Bu towards is kinda rude. There's also beliau, a very respectful pronoun only used for someone old or very highly respected.
On the terrible, terrible side, we have no word at all that's equivalent to it. When referring to an object we've already mentioned, we just straight up have to mention the object's name again. Pain. One more reason why EN to IND translations always ends up slightly longer.
A little bonus about calling teachers
A neat thing about Chinese and Japanese is that they have specific words that they use when referring to a teacher: lǎoshī and sensei. They work as suffix: a Professor Smith will be Smith-lǎoshī in Chinese and Smith-sensei in Japanese. They also work across all ages: whether it's a kindergarten teacher, a hich school teacher, a college professor, or just someone who gives you piano lessons, they're all lǎoshī / sensei.
Indonesian don't have this specific word. Which sucks! Instead we'll call the teachers using the guidelines I've laid out above. Most teachers are Pak / Bu, but if they're young (e.g. your piano instructor) they'll probably prefer Kak instead. My university professors prefer to us Mas / Mbak, but that's a quirk specific to my faculty.
An interesting exception is for Muslim religious teachers or lecturers: Ustadz (also spelled Ustad or Ustadz), a word loaned from Arabic/Persian. Religious people in general have a few specific titles in use.
In fiction translation, when you absolutely have to use a honorific for teachers and the setting is far away enough from modern-day (the same setting where you might call a teacher with Master), you can use Guru. As a noun, it's a general world meaning "teacher", but used as a honorific make you sound old fashioned or like a child.
In Conclusion
I get anxiety over whether I use the right honorifics and the right pronouns ✨all the time✨. Will Mas be too much? Will Pak be rude? Should I use Kak or drop it? I think we're close enough to use gw/elo but am I really???
This is just everyday reality for Indonesian-speaker, so if you're just learning the language it's totally okay if you're terrified. Language in general is pretty terrifying! <3
